The Fear of Saying What You Feel

There have been days that I wish Annie and I didn’t have a child.

Actually, it’s not like entire days or anything, but I definitely have moments where I think to myself…”this would be so much easier if we did not have a baby”.

So let me guess, you think I’m a crappy dad? In all honesty, if you’re one of those people that think I’m a crappy dad for having that thought every once in a while I don’t really have much else to say to you so feel free to go.

This goes out to the real people that have spoken their truth. It also goes out to those people that really want to speak their truth but they are afraid of the backlash they may or may not get. You would think people could come together and be supportive of other people going through similar situations, and to some degree it does happen, but it seems by and large there are these “perfect people” or “perfect parents” ready to pounce on those of us that are “imperfect people” or “imperfect parents”.

I actually used to be very fearful of saying the things I was thinking. The more time I have spent thinking, discussing, and writing the fear has slowly faded…but that is not to say I never experience fear as it pertains to what other people will think of me.

Parenting, I have found, in the seven plus months I’ve been doing it now, is really quite difficult. I’m a selfish person. I like to do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. I don’t like having to live my life around a baby’s schedule or anyone else’s for that matter. The funny thing is that I’d rather change dirty diapers than give up the times when I feel like working or I feel like going out socially. It turns out babies are this abyss of time. Not only do you lose so much of your time you also, to some degree, lose sense of time.

Now, before the Parent Nazi’s come out with their rambling anger, I will say that I did know this to some degree before going into this parenting thing. I also have to say that as much as it’s the most difficult thing I have done and continue to do, it’s also one of the most rewarding things on the planet. There’s nothing quite like looking down at your baby and he gives you one of the Earth stopping smiles…priceless.

There’s the internal dilemma. Oh my Lord, he’s so cute and amazing and I think he may be the smartest baby on the planet. Flip side, sweet Lord why does he need me so much…other animals don’t raise their babies this long.

In all seriousness, for Annie and I, we are quite lucky. We have each other to depend on when we need breaks and we can afford to get a babysitter once a week (typically). Many parents out there don’t have these options. We also have these outlets…whether it’s through the writing we do here, the motivation we have to be good parents, and the effort we make on not letting Sammy end the 24 hour party we were once living. It’s still a party, it’s just a different kind of party.

I think all of these things are good to talk about. It’s good to share the positive stuff but I also think we owe it to each other to share the negative. We want other parents (new parents, first time parents, or any parent) to feel they have an outlet. When you’re cooped up inside your home all day with a baby or even cooped up in your own mind for too long…bad things can happen.

Rather than bashing each other for the individual feelings we have when we go through “life stuff”, we really should listen and attempt to be there for one another. THAT is how bad things can be avoided. Open minds and open hearts is how we move forward. It’s how we get better. It’s how a community helps a community.

So we may not like each other’s truth but I think (within reason) we owe it to each other to listen and understand each other’s truth. My truth is that I love my son in a way I didn’t know existed, but there is absolutely that part of me that has moments where I miss being childless. The really cool thing about that is that I don’t think it makes me a bad person at all…I think it makes me human. God forbid we be what we are…human.

As long as you aren’t harming your child or yourself, feel free to shout your opinion from the rooftops, don’t be afraid of the “perfect people”!